- When people think about unexpected pregnancy questions, they often focus on what decision someone should make. Over the years, I learned that the most important questions are often not about the decision itself, but about the fears, pressures, relationships, and circumstances surrounding it.
What I Wish I Had Asked as a Family Physician
Sherie was 18 years old when she came to see me at the clinic one Friday morning. She had booked an appointment for a cold, but quietly admitted she thought she might be pregnant.
Before I had asked many questions, her words came pouring out.
“I can’t go through another abortion… It was the worst decision I ever made. I felt like I had no other choice. I think about my child every day.”
Her sorrow was palpable. I had just met her, yet she entrusted me with one of the deepest regrets of her life. Later, I realized why. A poster on the wall of my examination room displayed information about our local pregnancy care centre. It quietly communicated that this was a place where conversations about unexpected pregnancy—and the emotions surrounding them—were welcome.
That encounter stayed with me.
For more than twenty years, I practised family medicine. During that time, I cared for many women facing an unexpected pregnancy. Some felt overwhelmed. Others were uncertain. Many were carrying fears and pressures that were not immediately visible.
Looking back, I realize I often focused on the pregnancy itself while failing to fully appreciate everything surrounding it.
An unexpected pregnancy is rarely just a medical event. It may involve financial concerns, relationship difficulties, family expectations, fear of disappointing others, uncertainty about the future, or pressure to make a quick decision. Those circumstances deserve just as much attention as the pregnancy itself.
It took me years to recognize these hidden challenges and to intentionally slow down, ask better questions, and create space for women to tell their stories. I came to understand that helping someone make a well-informed decision begins not with providing answers but with listening well.
I also came to recognize something humbling: as physicians, we don’t always receive training in how to navigate these deeply personal conversations. We are taught to diagnose illnesses and recommend treatments, but conversations involving fear, relationships, values, and life-changing decisions require a different set of skills.
Those experiences eventually inspired me to develop a practical booklet during my time at Pregnancy Care Canada to encourage physicians and other health-care professionals to ask thoughtful questions, create space for meaningful conversations, and support patients in making well-informed pregnancy decisions.
Below are a few excerpts from that resource.
Looking Back as a Physician
If I could go back and sit across from a woman facing an unexpected pregnancy, I know I would ask more questions.
Years ago, I understood very little about the many pressures my patients were experiencing. In my effort to work efficiently while balancing the demands of a busy family practice, I sometimes missed opportunities to explore concerns that may have helped women feel more informed, supported, and confident in whatever decision they ultimately made.
Experience has taught me that the most important conversation is often not about the pregnancy itself, but about everything surrounding it.
Health care professionals have both the opportunity and the responsibility to help patients make well-informed decisions. That means taking time to understand the circumstances, relationships, beliefs, and pressures that may be influencing those decisions.
As playwright Eugène Ionesco wisely observed,
“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.”
Those words have stayed with me throughout my career.
Good questions create space. They uncover fears that may never have been spoken aloud. They reveal pressures that others cannot see. Most importantly, they remind a woman that she is being heard rather than hurried.
Nine Questions Worth Asking
Sharing in the belief that thoughtful questions often bring greater clarity than quick answers, I developed nine questions that can help uncover the circumstances surrounding an unexpected pregnancy.
These questions are designed not to direct a person’s decision, but to ensure she has the opportunity to thoughtfully consider the many factors that may influence it.
- Have you talked about your pregnancy situation or decision with the important people in your life?
- Do you understand all your options for your unexpected pregnancy? Have you thoroughly considered each one?
- Have you given yourself adequate time to think about your decision?
- Is anyone pressuring you to make a specific decision?
- Have you considered your beliefs and attitudes about abortion, adoption, and parenting?
- Do you have a spiritual or religious worldview that impacts your decision?
- Are you aware of the supports and resources available in your community?
- Are you aware of pregnancy milestones and the stage of development of your pregnancy?
- Do you have any uncertainty about your decision?
One Lesson I’ll Never Forget
One of the greatest lessons I learned during my years in medicine is that people rarely need to be rushed, but they almost always need to be heard.
Looking back, I don’t wish I had all the answers. I wish I had asked better questions.
Every woman deserves to feel respected, listened to, and supported as she navigates one of life’s most significant decisions. Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer isn’t advice—it’s the willingness to listen with compassion and without assumption.
I hope these unexpected pregnancy questions encourage thoughtful conversations that create space for clarity, reduce unnecessary pressure, and help women make well-informed decisions. Whether you’re a physician, nurse, counsellor, pregnancy care volunteer, pastor, or simply walking alongside a friend or family member, the right questions can communicate something every person longs to know:
You matter. Your story matters. And you don’t have to navigate this alone.
If you’d like to explore these unexpected pregnancy questions in greater depth, you can download the complete Unexpected Pregnancy booklet below. I hope it serves as a practical resource for anyone seeking to care for women with wisdom, compassion, and respect.
Adapted from an informational booklet Unexpected Pregnancy: Practical tools to help your patients make a well-informed decision.
You can access the booklet here.
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