Understanding Post Abortion Grief

We do not honour women by telling them what they should feel. We honour them by listening to what they are actually experiencing.

For some women, abortion brings relief. For others, it brings grief. Many experience a mixture of emotions that change over time. Whatever a woman’s experience, shouldn’t she be free to speak honestly about it without fear of judgment or dismissal?

If some women do not experience post abortion grief, does that mean no woman is allowed to have feelings of loss or grief after an abortion?

What if a woman does experience grief? Do we have the right to tell her she should not feel that way?

The topic of post abortion grief is complex because every woman’s experience after abortion is different. For many women, the decision to terminate a pregnancy is not made lightly but in the midst of fear, uncertainty, and difficult circumstances.[1]  The emotional impact of that decision looks different for every individual. Regardless of one’s political, ideological, or religious worldview, some women experience abortion as a significant loss and need a unique kind of support in the months or years that follow.

There is often no visible place to grieve the loss of a child through abortion. As a result, a woman may feel unseen, misunderstood, or even believe she has no right to mourn. This is known as disenfranchised grief—grief that goes unrecognized or unacknowledged by those around us.[2] Because it is hidden, it can be especially difficult to process and heal from.

For many years as a family physician, I rarely asked my patients how they felt after a previous abortion. Like many clinicians, I assumed that if there had been lingering pain, they would tell me. I was wrong. It wasn’t until I intentionally created space to ask questions and listen that stories of hidden grief began to emerge. Those conversations changed me.

One of the greatest lessons I learned was that it is not my role to tell someone what they should feel. My role is to listen well, care compassionately, and acknowledge the reality of what they are experiencing. We do this with other experiences of loss and trauma. Why would abortion be any different?

Some people question whether abortion can lead to grief or long-term emotional distress. Yet the lived experiences of many women remind us that this reality cannot simply be dismissed.

Across Canada, pregnancy care centres have walked alongside thousands of women seeking support after abortion. Some come for a single conversation. Others begin a longer journey of healing. Whatever their story, they are welcomed with compassion rather than judgment—a safe place where they can finally speak honestly about emotions they may have carried in silence for years.

I remember speaking with one woman who told me it had taken forty years to put words to her abortion experience.

She described it as

“a tornado coming to blow one little candle out, over and over again.”

I have never forgotten those words.

How can we dismiss or invalidate suffering simply because it does not fit everyone’s experience?

Denying the existence of post-abortion grief will not make it disappear. It simply leaves those who are hurting to carry their sorrow alone.

Just because something challenges our worldview or raises uncomfortable questions does not mean it is untrue or invalid.

We do not honour women by telling them what they should feel. We honour them by listening to what they are actually experiencing.

If a woman is carrying grief after abortion—whether it has been weeks, years, or even decades—she deserves compassion, not silence.

Whatever a person’s experience after abortion, healing is possible. No one should have to carry hidden grief alone.

If this article resonates with your own experience, you may also appreciate Beauty for Ashes: Healing from Shame Through Jesus, where I explore the hope, healing, and restoration that Christ offers every broken heart.